(Proverbs 31:10-11, 28-31 NRSV)
Thirty years of
marriage is the equivalent of 10,957 days and nights or 262,968 hours or
15,778,080 minutes or 946,684,800 seconds (not that I am counting), and
that is how long Nancy and I have been married as of August 14, 2006.
Yet, to be perfectly truthful, it seems to have been just a few moments
– packed with a boatload of experiences.
A house-trailer on the
South end of Marissa was our first home. Then we moved to a home we
rented from Nancy’s parents. From there we moved to a home on the farm
that we began the process of purchasing when God chose that particular
moment to call me into ministry, which led us back into Marissa to a
two-bedroom apartment for the eight years of school we were to share
together. Then there were 5 years in Culver, Indiana, in the parsonage
of the Grace UCC congregation and the 13 years here in Lebanon, equaling
6 homes in 30 years. Fortunately those 6 homes have been in only 3
communities (our friends who have labored with each of our moves are
grateful).
Matthew was born while
I was still farming, Raymond was born the summer after I completed my
education at McKendree College, and Ched was born while we were in
Culver. One child for each phase of life . . . and I am praying for no
more vocational changes.
Nancy has worked in a
clothing store in Sparta, in a fast food restaurant in Marissa, as a
teacher’s aide in Marissa, completed her B.S. in Elementary Education in
1985 at McKendree, continued working as a teacher’s aide and supply
teacher until we moved to Culver, then taught in a Special Education
classroom for a year, in various levels of a parochial school for three
years, worked as a welder for a summer on the midnight shift at a
muffler factory, then was a supply teacher for a year. Upon arriving in
Lebanon, she was able to land a full time teaching position back in
Marissa where she is now teaching 6th grade for her 13th
year.
So, upon pondering
thirty years of accumulated experiences, I began wondering, “How is it
that marriages are really measured?” Time, it appears, is relative.
Geographical location is just a place on the map. Children are a part of
the journey – yet not the entire story of any relationship. And, jobs or
vocational placements are more the means to an end than they are an end
in themselves: So, how is it that marriages are really measured?
Thirty years of
marriage hardly qualifies me as ‘the expert’ in answering such a
question yet, as chance or good fortune may have it, I am something more
than a novice in this particular arena. So here, very humbly, I offer
these thoughts:
‘Marriage’ (whether
happy or unhappy) can only be measured through the use of a complicated,
unquantifiable series of calculations that, at very best, will reveal
only a shadow of what heart already knows in the intangibles of personal
experience. Or, more simply stated: Years, homes, children, and jobs
reveal cultural ways of assigning ‘meaning’ to what a couple
experiences, for they are quantifiable, identifiable, and measurable.
Yet, the more difficult, poignant calculation has to do with the
intangibles of the heart which are swirling all around revealing how the
soul of a relationship or marriage is measured. Let me explain . . .
For our Thirtieth
Anniversary, I surprised Nancy with a pearl necklace and she surprised
me with a new wedding band. By casual observers the comments could be
made that, ‘The 30th Anniversary is the pearl anniversary’ or
‘After 30 years she didn’t want your old wedding band wearing out’ or
‘After 30 years is there ever really a surprise gift of any kind?’
Yet, to the observer of
the heart and soul, the necklace she received included an additional 3
pearl cluster indicating, as I explained it to our family, three decades
together, three children together, and three communities together. As
Nancy explained my new wedding band to our family she shared that, like
the necklace, she had had the ring designed to include 3 stones which
celebrate our three decades together, our three children together, three
communities together, we are both third children in our respective birth
families, it was in the third month of 1976 that I had asked Nancy to
marry me, and it is the God of the Trinity that blesses us and keeps us
together. As the exchange of gifts and explanations were occurring, my
tearing eyes were opened to this beautiful woman in a whole new way, for
there it was: in the busy-ness of life, in the changes of vocations, in
the midst of moves, in the demands of a growing family, in the call of
neighbors, and in the shared stories of our wider families, in all of
that and much, much more . . . we are still becoming one, not because of
the years we have put up with each other, but because of the intangibles
of the heart and soul that we have shared. Love, laughter, tears,
heartaches, hard work, quiet, anger, kisses, dismay, and faith
(especially faith), are some, but not all, of the hallmarks of our
journey together – sometimes in spite of the years, homes, children, and
jobs that we have had – and, sometimes, because of them. Without any
sort of in-depth conversation and in a vain hope to ‘surprise’ the
other, we had separately identified the holiness of the ‘3’s’ in the
soul of our lives together.
Later in the evening,
as we enjoyed a quiet carriage ride in downtown St. Louis (our first
ever!), I found myself continuing to marvel in this sacred, sacramental
covenant of marriage. The world can count 30 years, but few understand
our joy in being together for whatever time we have. The world can count
6 homes in 3 communities, but few appreciate the notion of our being at
home with each other, regardless of location. The world can count 3
children, but few can perceive the holiness of our relationship that is
only deepened by the gifts of our children’s lives with us on the
journey. The world can count vocational changes, but few will ever know
the solid foundation of faith, love, mutual respect, and integrity upon
which our lives together continue to build and grow in the midst of the
changes, sometimes in spite of them.
God is good, all the
time. Who Nancy and I are together has everything to do with who we are
together in God. With any grace at all, our marriage will be but a dim
reflection of the joy that is ours in completely, fully, sharing in the
love and wonder of a daily walk with God, who knows us before we ever
were.
How is it that
marriages are really measured? From where I am, the only real answer is
the asking of another question (which is a good rabbinic practice): How
is it that our relationship with God is really measured? For me, there
is a direct correlation between the two in the immeasurability of the
desired outcome: the love of a woman who fears the Lord (as the author
of Proverbs puts it) and the love of the Lord who embraces humankind as
God’s own finally find their closest common expression in their ability
to extend their arms fully to receive the other. For one it is to
embrace in nearness the heart and soul of another and for the Other it
is to embrace, from the cross, the heart and soul of all humanity.
Marriage, at its best, is no less than all of this – and I consider
myself blessed, indeed, to be learning these things in the love of a
woman who fears the Lord and in the love of the Lord who embraces us
all.
Nancy: May our time
together grow even sweeter in the fullness of God’s time for each of us;
May our family continue to grow in God’s favor and joy; May our home
with each other reflect the wonder of love of the God who blesses us
mightily through God’s own indwelling with all; and, May we be found
doing in life all that we love doing in God. In such is truly a reason
for a ‘Happy Anniversary!’ in our 30th year and far beyond.
